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"The
Owl and the Field Mouse Story"
A little field-mouse
was lost in a dense wood, unable to find his way out. He came upon a wise
old owl sitting in a tree. "Please help me, wise old owl, how can I get out
of this wood?" said the field-mouse.
"Easy," said the owl,
"Grow wings and fly out, as I do."
"But how can I grow
wings?" asked the mouse.
The owl looked at him
haughtily, sniffed disdainfully, and said, "Don't bother me with the
details, I only advise on
strategy."
"Prostitute Parrots"
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're
prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I
have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to
my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I
taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to
stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to
praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots
to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and
praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the
male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to
have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male
parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been
answered!"
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"Blue Suit"
A woman goes into a funeral home to make
arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she
wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury
him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check
to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and
he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she
loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything.
The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was
brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about
the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.
So... I switched the heads."
"Knowing Where To Kick"
A car mechanic is called in after every other mechanic failed. He
listens to the engine for a few minutes, then hauls off and gives it a
big swift kick in a certain strategic spot. Lo and behold, the engine
starts humming like a kitten. The mechanic turns around, gives the car
owner his bill for $400. The owner is flabbergasted and demands an
itemized breakdown AND EXPLANATION.
The bill says...
'$1 for my time, and $399 for
knowing where to kick.'
"One Thing
at a Time"
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts
never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at
least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I
was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and
come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she
says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...
although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared
up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." |
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