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Work, Job, Profession |
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Lingo of Employers and Employees The Coffee Maker is Broken Blind Golfers Who is the Designer of the Human Body? Dating a Consultant Joaquim's Fault Three Envelopes Days in Office
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"Dig the Lingo of Employers and Employees" Employer's Lingo: "COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. "CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. Employee's Lingo: "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office. "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I pilfer office supplies. "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes. "I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer. "I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot. "I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk. "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. A man is digging a hole at the same time that his friend is covering up the same hole. And thus they spend the day, one digs and the other one covers up. Curious, a passerby who can no longer keep quiet watching the surrealist scene, approaches the two men and asks, "Gentlemen, what exactly does this mean?" "Well, we're working," one of them answers. "And are you positive there's nothing wrong with what you're doing?" "Well, if there is something wrong here, it's Joaquim's fault. He didn't show up today." "And who's Joaquim?" asks the passerby. "He is the guy who sows the seed." Who is the Designer of the Human Body? Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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Blind Golfers A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" the doctor chimed in. "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" the pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" TOP TEN Ways to Know You Are Dating a Consultant
Three Envelopes
A fellow
had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately
and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and
took
out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press
– and Wall Street
– responded positively, sales began to pick up and
the
problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
GM vs Microsoft
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with the
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:
For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a
new car.
Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall
the engine.
When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept
this, restart and drive on.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95'
or 'CarNT', and then added more seats.
Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast,
and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the
roads.
Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single 'general car default' warning light.
New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.
The airbag would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road
maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither
need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.
You would press the 'start' button to shut off the engine. |
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